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50 Comments

  • Ben Mycroft

    Reply Reply April 14, 2017

    If anyone is interested in a fantastic video on setting good posture that is not really obvious, but actually works: https://youtu.be/TQqgf8kB6R8

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply April 14, 2017

      Great video!

  • John Polakowski

    Reply Reply February 2, 2017

    Hey Charlie, I’m interested in what you do for a more resonant voice. Could you send that to me?

  • Chad

    Reply Reply October 21, 2016

    Hi Charlie,

    Could you make a video or two on inviting people to hang out or meet up and building a social circle?

  • William

    Reply Reply September 30, 2016

    Charlie, would you mind reading the forum please and answering the questions? Seems you forgot it again, since the notifications are not there πŸ˜€
    Thanks for all your work! Great job

    • William

      Reply Reply October 1, 2016

      after rewatching Day 5 of the module, I’ve realized that I did what you mentioned and wrote it all down in the forum^^

      • Charlie

        Reply Reply October 2, 2016

        Good man! Just wrote you back there

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply October 2, 2016

      Just took a look and responded – was the app you were talking about for the summaries?

      • William

        Reply Reply October 3, 2016

        No, it was Word to word, an app someone was talking about in the comments. One year ago πŸ˜€

  • Marie Hahn

    Reply Reply September 30, 2016

    I think I may have gone overboard being magnetic…a classmate now turns away when I approach instead of smiling and making eye contact like previously. How could I have read body language better to prevent somehow offending him? And how do I handle it from here? I met someone yesterday and noticed I was subdued and instinctively covered my body with my arms. I guess what I need is a way to learn from my mistakes without being demoralized by them. I have overall had good experiences with the class exercises, but this is the second time I have inadvertently offended someone and had them physically start avoiding me…

  • Marie Hahn

    Reply Reply September 30, 2016

    I think I may have gone overboard being magnetic…a classmate now turns away when I approach instead of smiling and making eye contact like previously. How could I have read body language better to prevent somehow offending him? And how do I handle it from here? I met someone yesterday and noticed I was subdued and instinctively covered my body with my arms. I guess what I need is a way to learn from my mistakes without being demoralized by them. I have overall had good experiences with the class exercises, but this is the second time I have inadvertently offended someone and had them physically start avoiding me. So apparently something I do reads creeper instead of magnetic…

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply September 30, 2016

      So it’s really tough to tell what’s going on here without seeing. It could be an over sensitivity on your part – they just might not be in the mood to chat, not because of anything you did. Or you may have done something that turned them off, but without nay details of the interaction, it’s hard to say. Any guesses?

      • Marie Hahn

        Reply Reply October 3, 2016

        I just watched work relationships and Ben’s comments about being a tryhard and forcing conversation really resonated, I suspect that is what happened. I will pay attention to that in future conversations

  • Marie Benard

    Reply Reply September 16, 2016

    Thanks for this, Charlie! I have a question about the eye contact video… I’m great at making eye contact and people return my smile all the time. I’ve gotten into the habit of generally walking around with a half-smile on my face. If I catch someone’s eye, I flash a smile and they often smile back. However, then I am usually the first to look away! How long should I be holding the person’s gaze once they return the smile? I feel like I nervously look away, but it also feels like I’m maybe slightly rejecting their smile if I look away too quickly. Any thoughts or tips on this? I imagine the gaze with a random stranger on the street would be different than holding the gaze of someone I might be attracted to at a party. I just want to get better at not looking away, but I’m a little scared to be the creepy person who holds eye contact for too long. Thanks a bunch!

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply September 16, 2016

      I would make a push to hold longer than feels comfortable. An extra 2 seconds can feel like a long time, but like you said, it is often what acknowledges the other person’s smile and seals the good feeling in. So allow yourself those extra 2 seconds – sometimes they’ll look away (which as you know from experience, doesn’t mean they think you’re creepy) and sometimes you can just break comfortably after the extra 2 seconds. And of course sometimes you might strike up a conversation!

      • Marie Benard

        Reply Reply September 17, 2016

        wow, fast response! Thanks, Charlie. That’s helpful… I will try to be mindful of this and break the habit of looking away… it’s a strong habit and I often will look back after I realized I’ve done it again… it seems to be a reflex at this point. But will keep working on it πŸ™‚

  • William

    Reply Reply August 22, 2016

    Hi Charlie, this is by far the best module I’ve watched yet, great job here.
    I was doing all that stuff, but it seems, that the people here are a bit different to what you seem to meet. I’ve gone to a party a few nights ago and there I was again, dancing like hell broke loose, getting the full attention with my shuffling-skills and talking to at least some strangers. My problem here is, that the attention-getting with the dancing seems to make people not like to engage in conversations with me, at least if they’re not the fat drunkards that want me to do the grub on the ground.
    On that “party” I talked to 5 groups of drunkards and at least 5 groups of girls/individuals(try to find one that goes there alone, eh…) but none of them seemed to be into conversations or anything like that. Just not talking to strangers. I don’t know what to do of this, if it’s me that is failing or if our german partyculture and datingculture is totally different to yours in America. Do you know what might be the case?

    PS: Some people recommended “3% Man” by Corey Wayne to me, but that guy looks EXTREMELY shady, so could you tell me, if you know him, if that guy is trustworthy or not?(even though scribd has the ebook for free, without the download)

    Thanks in advance, was in a hurry so I couldn’t put that much info into it now. See you in Leadership, William

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply August 22, 2016

      Don’t know anything about Corey Wayne, so I cant’t comment…

      As for the party – you can’t read too much into one night. Everyone has nights like that, whether the people are off or the individual just isn’t in the right mindset. Give it a few more outings. If you get consistent results like that, then something needs to be adjusted.

      The first thing I would look to is if you are being goofy and laughing. If you are dancing like crazy AND not taking yourself too seriously, that’s generally a recipe for good things – though I have never been to Germany, so there is a chance that there are cultural differences!

  • Beau Galbraith

    Reply Reply May 14, 2016

    I didn’t read all of the comments above, so apologies if it was already asked…

    In this scenario, I approach a group of people, I introduce myself loudly and confidently and in doing so they all stop what they are talking about and are now completely focused on me.
    Usually my goal would be to introduce myself but then have their conversation continue to flow and I can jump in on what they were talking about.

    However lots of times they will either look at you like, “Ok did you need something?”, or maybe they were looking to change topics of conversation anyway so they stare at you.

    I lack small talk skills.. Do I need to have a topic of conversation prepared every time I introduce myself? Or should the introduction be more passive so not everyone in the group stops their individual conversations?

    Any advice how to handle those types of situations?

    Thanks

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply May 14, 2016

      Hey Beau!

      So I think you have to do a bit of social reading here. Are they stopping because they were having a conversation that was on a private, sensitive subject? Or because it wasn’t that important of a subject and they are open to switching?

      If you’re unsure, after you introduce yourself you can say, “Didn’t mean to interrupt. What were you all talking about?” That gives them a chance to go back into it if they’d like.

      Otherwise, you can jokingly comment on how you were wandering around alone to bring some levity to the situation, which oftentimes gets people to crack the same joke about themselves and then let you in on the previous conversation they were having. Or you can go off after that in the direction of what exactly brings you all there.

  • Kevin

    Reply Reply April 16, 2016

    Hi Charlie. Just starting Actions for this module, so will update you on how it goes. Just wondering, for the lip roll exercise that loosens the body to make sound, is that the same sensation as when you’re laughing and speaking? I feel a similar ease in volume/resonance when speaking. Just knowing if they are the same will help guide me see if I’m doing lip roll right. Thanks

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply April 18, 2016

      Yep that’s the right feeling. You want to feel the compression coming from your torso as opposed to your neck (the lower, the better) but you’ll feel resonance all throughout your chest and head cavities πŸ™‚

      • Kevin

        Reply Reply April 24, 2016

        Awesome. Will keep it up then.

  • Callum Milner

    Reply Reply March 30, 2016

    One more question. I’m not sure I really understand the concept of checking in, can you link to video of someone doing this wrong (checking in too much) that should clear things up πŸ™‚

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply March 30, 2016

      Great question. I don’t have one right now but I will keep my eye out!

  • Callum Milner

    Reply Reply March 30, 2016

    Hi.
    In these videos, when you are talking, is this you being as charismatic as you can be, or are you more restrained while talking to the camera than you would be, say for example in a social situation while trying to consciously exhibit as much charisma as possible. The reason I ask is so I know what results to expect, will I be equally charismatic as I see you be in the video once I use all these techniques, or will I exceed the charisma you display in this video?

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply March 30, 2016

      It very much depends on the situation. In a big group, I will be more animated than in these videos for sure. The energy in that kind of a situation tends to rise and you need to go even bigger to get positive responses from people.

      One on one, I am typically around the same level as in these videos, though it can fluctuate above or below. That depends on the person and what they respond best to. If they are high energy, I’ll take it up and we can get raucous together. If they are more subdued, I don’t want to overwhelm them, so I’ll take it back a bit.

      The most important thing is to calibrate to your situation and the responses that you’re getting. And when in doubt, try going bigger to see what happens πŸ™‚

  • alex svoboda

    Reply Reply February 3, 2016

    Hey Charlie,
    As always great videos.

    I’d be interested in your thoughts on the ethics of shaping your behavior in order to achieve results. The argument could follow that it is dishonest/manipulative to do so. Furthermore, once you begin to habitualize these behaviors people may see you being different and feel estranged from you, having a negative impact on some of your relationship with old friends.

    The counterarguments I would suggest would be as follows:
    1. its not manipulative to change your inputs to get a different result (working on your putting game or voice is not manipulative)
    2. if your old friends don’t like the new you, then they truly aren’t your friends or you’re simply no longer compatible with them
    3. because attitudes follow behavior, after installing new habits you actually are what you do
    4. as long as you are acting morally and not in a way against the interests of others you are moral

    I’ve experienced very good results with your program. Particularly well pronounced around people I just met and even with old friends. However, on occasions I do see a little bit of fighting back against my new personality, trying to make me revert to old personality.

    I value your insight because you seem to have gone through a transformation while maintaining your relationship with your friend Ben. I assume Ben wanted the best for you and welcomed the change, however some friends are less encouraging than others.

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply February 3, 2016

      Hey Alex!

      Good questions man. I very much agree with your counter argument point 1. I think the entirety of our lives is spent shaping our actions to change the results we are getting. When it comes to styles of interacting, people sometimes feel defensive, because they think of their sarcastic sense of humor or introversion as their identity. I would suggest the our identity is of the person behind all that. The decision maker who chooses what things we will change and what things we will allow our environment to shape.

      As for the pushback amongst people who know you, that’s very common. And it’s not a resistance to any personality trait specifically. It’s a resistance to change. Most people hate change, even if its for the better.

      When I became more outgoing, some of the people I was close with said that it “wasn’t me.” That I should stop working on that. I decided I would explain why it was important to me without arguing with them. I didn’t need their blessing, but I was willing to try and make myself understood. Then if they still resisted, I would unfortunately have to shift from having them as the friend I did everything with, to the friend I did certain things with. And I picked those things based on when they would be least critical of me. So it meant people I used to go to bars with became people I went out to dinner with.

      The interesting thing is, years later those people are all fine with who I am. They are supportive. It’s not the traits that bothered them. It was change in general. So once the massive change was done and locked in, they felt fine again

      • alex svoboda

        Reply Reply February 13, 2016

        That’s a great point Charlie: because people dislike change, they will not always be receptive to you as you change, especially if its large changes. However, with time people in general will come to accept the new you.

        I also found the part about explaining why you were working charisma without arguing to be important as well (goes back to the principle charisma doesn’t convince – whenever you adopt that mindset you are free to assume your identity without shame, and an added benefit is people will talk openly about charged topics because they don’t feel judged.

        Sidenote, I think a charismatic breakdown video on how to handle your ground when someone is trying to upset you would be great – maintaining your position/frame, but in a diplomatic, non pushy fashion. (You did do this nicely with Robert Downey Jr, and I think there is the potential to make it into a series).

        • Charlie

          Reply Reply February 13, 2016

          Great suggestion Alex! Once I get back to the USA in the beginning to of March, I am going to start work on a whole new module for CU. It will be on Dealing With Conflict and I think the topic of holding your ground when people are trying to upset you is a great piece to incorporate.

          • alex svoboda

            February 17, 2016

            that is great to hear charlie. i do notice that most social interactions don’t consist of conflict, and if conflict occurs regularly you need new friends or examine yourself a little bit more closely. however, conflict to some degree is a natural part of life and there are definitely way to handle it smoothly and reach resolution without escalation. I look forward to your module!

        • Charlie

          Reply Reply February 17, 2016

          By the way, any specific situations that come to mind for this? It’s always helpful to have a concrete place to start when scripting the modules πŸ™‚

  • Thomas Bock

    Reply Reply August 10, 2015

    Haha, thoroughly enjoyed the comments on that Elliott vid. πŸ˜› Thanks for those exercises!

    Any more non-immediate fixes for posture? I remember you doing some kind of chest stretch in one of your YouTube videos?

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply August 12, 2015

      Yeah, this is the video on evaluation your shoulder alignment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdjusJIumJM

      This one is a quick tip on how to correct it if your shoulder are pulled a bit forward (as most are): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anB3tGJdvw0

      Posture is something I am becoming increasingly interested in. I have a crooked back, have since I was a kid and that is throwing everything out of alignment for me. I have done some preliminary research on treatment and am going to try to get more sophisticated by getting x rays and visiting a chiro, but the general things I have found:

      • Any repeated movement or position becomes trained. We spend a lot of time sitting and hunching forward nowadays so our postural issues tend in that direction. But posture issues can go in any direction so its important you treat based on the specific way you are out of alignment.
      • To correct posture issues you can remove the negative stimulus (like getting a standing desk and a separate keyboard for your laptop so your neck and shoulders are in alignment while you work) and do corrective stretching/strengthening (developing back muscles to pull your hunch back, strong abdominals to sit up straight).
      • Problems in one area can affect everything else. I have a leg that is shorter than the other by about 1-2cm. That throws my pelvis out of alignment, which causes a curvature in my spine.

      Hope fully I’ll learn more as I try to correct my own imbalanaces!

      • Thomas Bock

        Reply Reply January 11, 2016

        I’ve decided to incorporate Deadlifts into my workout routine, but not going for strength, rather for correcting posture. I watched Elliott’s video, but I’d like to know what you focus on especially when working out – is it the pinching the shoulder blades together? Cause I can imagine that’s what makes the most impact.

        Cheers!

        • Charlie

          Reply Reply January 11, 2016

          So there are a number of things.

          1) Yes the shoulder pinching and shoulder alignment is key. Also, getting the bend right so that your head, back, and ass are always in line. Which means

          2) Start super light. The amount you can lift with bad form is like 2x or more what you can do with correct form. You’re going to be working muscles that often don’t get attention.

          And 3) You want to also stretch if posture is your goal. A full body stretch and yoga would be ideal, but if you only do one, the doorway chest stretch is one of the best

  • Thomas Bock

    Reply Reply August 8, 2015

    Any way to get the singing exercises/diaphragm exercises for voice you mentioned in video 7? πŸ™‚

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply August 8, 2015

      So mine change all the time since I am aiming for muscle confusion to build it up. But a great starter routine by the coaches that I have can be found here. I think you can get through it in 10 mins per day

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SeSL9WdVBo

      This one is also a great exercise for when you need to deepen your voice. I do this sometimes while I stretch, though not as consistently because it is quite obnoxious to do in a crowded gym πŸ˜‰

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P41ER1Wmkj0

  • Thomas Bock

    Reply Reply August 6, 2015

    For some reason it doesn’t show the other comments I posted, when in doubt, take the second one I posted. πŸ˜€

  • Thomas Bock

    Reply Reply August 6, 2015

    Hey Charlie, thanks for those two extra videos, looking forward to more of these – gesticulations being one of my major sticking points.

    A more general question:

    Is being perceived as “charismatic” from an outside perspective really mostly about being expressive (e.g. wider gesticulations), “louder” (through a dominant voice and strong eye contact) and happier (e.g. through a lot of smiling)? I know this is probably really oversimplified, but I’d love a certain image in my head to strive for.

    A more specific question:

    What kind of face do you put on when not directly interacting with other people (e.g. running errands/walking around – with or without other people in the vicinity)? Slight smile (might be tiring after a while)? Pokerface (as long as it’s not resting bitchface)? Would love to hear how you personally do it. πŸ™‚

    Fuck, I have so many questions to so many different subjects, and I’ve only really delved into this module here. πŸ˜€

    Cheers

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply August 6, 2015

      Good question. It’s not just about being bigger and louder. I’m sure you’ve come across someone who was loud in an obnoxious way. What “big” does is communicate one piece of the charismatic puzzle. Which is that you have the confidence and conviction to make yourself seen and heard. This is an area where 98% of the people I have met could use more work.

      You can cut up the other pieces into many other ways, but the general idea is that you make people feel good (safe, happy, heard, excited, connected, respected, led competently) when they are around you. Being “big” adds to the excitement piece and amplifies the others, especially the leadership component. It won’t make up for a lack of substance, but it will allow you to make any message you have more impactful.

      My resting face is not really one I have focused on. My initial reaction is that we are rarely in our 100% resting faces in public spaces. We are talking or listening or thinking. In those kinds of spaces, I definitely aim to bring energy and excitement which means that I have a slight smile to my eyes and save the mouth smile/smirk for when I make eye contact. Even as I type this I catch myself smiling while I think about it (something my roommates often comment on).

      When I’m alone at home though without any sort of stimulus, I’m sure you could catch me with an exceedingly dumb look on my face πŸ˜‰

      Don’t be shy if you have other questions!

  • Thomas Bock

    Reply Reply August 6, 2015

    Thanks for the other two videos Charlie, looking forward to more of these – gesticulations probably being one of my biggest sticking points.

    Another more general question:

    Is being perceived as “charismatic” from an outside perspective simply mostly about being more expressive (e.g. wider gesticulations), “louder” (e.g. louder voice with more volume + strong eye contact) and happier (e.g. through smiling very often) than the average person? This is probably really oversimplified but I’d love some kind of an image in my head to strive for.

    And a more specific question:

    Smiling. You obviously smile when meeting people, but what if you’re just running errands or walking around (with or without people in the vicinity)? Wear a slight smile all the time (might be tiring after a while) or is it okay to just do a pokerface for longer periods of time (pokerface not being a “bitchface” obviously, rather just a neutral face)? What do you do here?

    Fuck, I have so many questions to so many different subjects, and I’ve only really delved into this module so far. πŸ˜€

  • Thomas Bock

    Reply Reply July 20, 2015

    A question regarding the “Action Tuesday” – Gesticulations: You talk about being very expressive with your hands and making large gestures. I see the point, but what do you think about these two videos here that I came across over the past year:

    1) – http://www.iamalpham.com/index.php/topics/talk-with-your-hands/ You might know this guy, generally gives out great advice – here he talks about not being too expressive, basically going against your advice

    2) – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOpMbEYEIJY –> A guy who uses a lot of big gesticulations – and it might just be me – but it looks kinda fake, unnatural and forced to me when he does those.

    Interested in your view on that.

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply July 20, 2015

      Great question Thomas!

      So looking at the first video, I agree with a lot of the points that he makes. The one that I flat out disagree with is his recommendation to speak only within a certain box. That is how Italians talk πŸ˜‰ You can get much more bang for your buck with big sweeping gestures that you get when you get outside of the box. The recommendation to activate fingers and keep cadence with your speaking still holds though. I have some more videos lined up to break down that cover these points in more detail

      As for the second guy, I understand the sense you get from him and would say it’s coming from a number of things. 1) He has some weird finger tension going on. He flexes his fingers and scrunches them so they look like claws (I have more on this in the videos I’ll be making). He also has a flailing up and down movement that he does from time to time which is off putting. Lastly, the lighting and camera position is not flattering. HE winds up holding his hands within view of the camera a lot which he does by raising his shoulders. Not a great look.

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply July 25, 2015

      Also, added two extra videos inspired by this convo, one to YouTube and one just to CU πŸ™‚

      https://youtu.be/6jlh24VVxn4
      https://ch6848a.wistia.com/medias/4fnc3uom4s

      • Ben Taylor

        Reply Reply September 29, 2016

        Hey Charlie, the second link that’s just for CU take me to a page where my login information doesn’t work. I even tried the “Forgot Your Password?” option, but it did not recognize my email address. Is this a common problem or am I just missing something?

        I appreciate your work and community. Thanks!

        • Charlie

          Reply Reply September 30, 2016

          Hey Ben! I’m not quite understanding – which page are you having a hard time accessing? If you want, reply to me via email @ charlie@charismaoncommand.com and I can get back to you quicker πŸ™‚

  • Charlie

    Reply Reply May 13, 2015

    Got this question on email, wanted to share:

    Hey Charlie!

    I’m making my way through CU right now, and in the middle of the section on presence/body language. I’m watching your video on gesticulation- not too rigid or loose, move like molasses, etc.

    My question is, how does one make these sort of adjustments without coming off as forced/weird? This is something I’ve wondered about ever since I got interested in this stuff.

    For instance, I have a friend of a friend who’s into the whole “pick up” scene, and I’ve seen him transform from a standard awkward kid to someone who’s a bit more assertive, but just…off. When I talk with him, I see him purposely taking up lots of space, making constant eye contact, gesticulating, etc. But, when he does it, it just comes off as weird and uncanny valley-ish.

    You’ve also made a lot of your own tiny adjustments, and from what I’ve seen of you, you just come off as a normal guy who’s dynamic/engaging.

    Do you have any insight into what causes this “fake” feeling in people, or how to avoid it?

    My answer:

    What is happening when people read behaviors as fake is that they are seeing the calculations going on under the hood. They can see you conscious of your behaviors which sometimes arouses their suspicion. “What is he trying to control?” they wonder.

    The end goal of learning any skill is “unconscious competence.” That’s when you can just sit down at the piano and play, or when you can converse and just connect. It just flows. The issue is that you MUST pass through a phase of “conscious competence” to get there. That’s when you sit at the piano and it comes out a bit clunky as you work your muscle memory. In interactions, that is when you have to think about your gesticulations and they can come off as fake.

    So the question is: “How can you limit the intensity and duration of the conscious competence phase?” The best answer I have found is by focusing on one specific skill at a time, rather than by trying to nail everything. If you are worried about eye contact, hand motions, and removing filler words, that is a lot of mental bandwidth. It takes a lot of consciousness to handle all that and causes you to come off fake. Plus since you have so many points of focus, it takes long to master each of them.

    So rank the things you want to improve in order of importance to you. Then focus on just one at a time. I have literally broke it down to adding one specific hand gesture in conversations (open palms for instance). Or maybe it is a two fingered point. Or maybe a wide spanning gesture. Focus on making the skill small and it won’t take up much mental bandwidth. It will be incorporated into your unconscious way of speaking more quickly. Once it is, move along to another small skill and repeat πŸ™‚

    One of those phases is called “conscious competence”

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