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17 Comments

  • TeleTuesday

    Reply Reply July 2, 2017

    That wasn’t a mistake, that was Ben Shapiro’s strategy. He talks about it in another video. He knew that the way Morgan always takes control in those arguments is by saying,”you must not care about the kids in Sandy Hook!” So Ben attacked him on that before Morgan could go there. He had nothing to go to other than, “How dare you!”

    Not an example of charisma, but Shapiro is an expert on debating. This caused Morgan to lose his show and Shapiro to grow in fame.

  • smurf0322

    Reply Reply April 19, 2017

    Hey Charlie,
    I am still earlier in the module, but there is this situation I really want to know how you’d deal with.
    I am a short man 5″4, and my friends would sometimes make fun of that without any ill intent.
    Deep down insecure about my height, I didn’t know how to react without look like a butthurt person.
    I remember in one of your videos, you pointed out how someone can start off by ignoring it,
    but sometimes when other people around me laughs at the joke, it’s hard for me to not react to it.
    In that situation, what is the best way to react to it in the moment?

    Thanks so much man,
    I am enjoying the program.

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply April 20, 2017

      So there are a couple of strategies you could apply here.

      One is to redirect the conversation. Then in a more private setting ask your friends not to do that. This video by Elliott Hulse is excellent for that conversation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvBKC_8TTao

      The second and very different approach is to be like Kevin Hart. Kevin is 5″2 and regularly hangs out with NBA players. They always tease him for his height, but he comes back with even funnier burns. He does not get flustered because he doesn’t feel insecure about his height.

      Either way, the sentence completions and value clarification will help a lot with the insecurity. You want to make sure that you’re not drawing on physical attributes like height for confidence, but on your track record of doing courageous things. That’s how people like Kevin Hart exude the kind of confidence that make them leaders even among people 2 feet taller!

  • Jacqueline

    Reply Reply February 25, 2017

    Hi Charlie,
    I’m having some issues with politics being brought up in two university classes I’m taking. The first one is a writing class where the entirety of the books the professor has us read are pushing a certain view, so I’m not sure how to get the result I want of steering conversation away from those issues and on to the craft of writing instead, since the topics are so pervasive that the class uses them in every facet that does involve the writing (i.e. how does this word choice convey this perspective).
    The second class I had actually brought up the issue at a different point in time, when they had all been insulting the political group I’m a part of. So this time that attack on the group was less to a degree, but the way they were discussing the specific current event made it clear that they were still attacking that viewpoint. This time was during a break, not actual class time, so I’m not sure how to respond since they have a right to express their opinions as much as I do. I know I could leave the room during that time, but I also want to stand up for my views and not avoid conflict. This group is basically the entire theatre department, and I’d like to be able to continue taking acting classes since I’m interested in it, but I know I’ll have to deal with the same people if I do, so that would be the opposite of filtering.
    Both of these groups have expressed the mindset that those who don’t agree with them are immoral people, and I know at least one of them doesn’t have another person that shares my views. But they also both like me even in the one where I brought up my affiliation. So any clarity on the best ways to handle these would help immensely. Thanks 🙂 .
    Jackie

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply February 26, 2017

      Good questions. The general principle of “unemotionally explaining how you feel” will be key here.

      First off, you can and should share your view point in a calm way. If people disagree, I would push them back to the topic at hand like this “I’m happy to discuss all of this later and I’m not ducking your question, but right now since it’s class time, I’d rather get back to talking about writing.” You can also just raise your hand and say that in your writing class if the conversation goes too far into political territory.

      The most effective thing you can do will be to SHOW these people that you aren’t an immoral monster or a buffoon. That comes from your firmness in your view points, your control in expressing them, and your willingness to agree to disagree. If there are any personal attacks, you can bring it back to the issue (like we discuss in the module.) Over time, what will count more than anything is your demeanor. So speak your mind, ask people to get back to class topics, and let them know you’re happy to calmly discuss later as long as people don’t turn it into a personal attack 🙂

  • Keven Bennett

    Reply Reply January 3, 2017

    Hi Charlie!

    I feel that i’m too nice for my own good. I usually steer clear of teasing people because i prefer not to bring people down. I found myself in a situation the other day and i am wondering what your take on the situation would be. So breakfast at a cafe after a night out with one of my close friends and two of his friends i met the night before. I became the target to tease for the quirky outfit i was wearing despite me setting up a clear boundary the night before about these ongoing comments. I went down the road of ignoring and moving onto something positive however they persisted on not letting it go and continued teasing. I then made the mistake, stooped down to their level and gave it back to them for what they were wearing. Yet what i said back wasn’t hitting well and didn’t get any laughs since its unnatural for me to bring others down and and when i tease it comes across as a personal attack on them.

    How would you handle this situation better? And is this “nice guy” persona something i need to move away from?

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply January 3, 2017

      I think the important thing is what, how, and why you tease. Because a bit of teasing can actually be good for building connection. So you could tease a friend for being so smart (a positive trait). Or for being such a heartbreaker (he’s popular with women, another positive trait).

      Where you run into problems is when the teasing is a dig to bring someone else down, like it sounds was the case in the interaction you described above. Generally I’d recommend avoiding that type of teasing. Check out the Comedy bonus for more examples of what good teasing vs bad teasing looks like.

      So it’s not wrong of you to avoid that kind of teasing. What it sounds like could use some work is the boundary setting, because clearly it was not being respected in this case. If you tell me more about that, I might be able to give you some pointers for the future 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Reply Reply September 13, 2016

    I like your practical, firm yet compassionate approach to conflict. My dad is extremely critical of me. My approach in the past has been to just sit there and take it, trying to calm him down or change the subject. This has failed miserably. He berates me for things I have supposedly done wrong which now begin at my conception (I am 57 years old). I look forward to next time when I can try setting standards and walking away if needed.

  • Tihoan Andrei

    Reply Reply September 8, 2016

    I understand that the point here is to set firm boundaries and make sure no one crosses them. My problem is with the boundary itself. I don’t know if this is one I should have since I’ve not seen anyone retaliate about this sort of thing.
    I’m talking about a situation in which someone tells you to shut up. Or they call you stupid. Thing is, I don’t feel anything if the person does it in a fun accent, as in Shat up ya sthupid. But some people just say it in a cringy way. And everyone overlooks it, when I talk to them about it they don’t seem to mind it, thus my confusion on the subject.
    I don’t know if people are stomaching it or it doesn’t bother them after all. Some said it’s all about the intention, they agreed about it being cringy but they know the intention is not bad. I sincerely doubt it, it seems to me like plain rudeness covered in the classic banter excuse.
    Should I tell the guy something, if so what : I mind the tone you use when you call me stupid/tell me to shut up?
    Should I do that with him alone or in front of the group.

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply September 9, 2016

      So go with your gut on if its cool or not. You kinda have to allow yourself to sense how it feels. If it feels like a fine playful thing, that’s cool. If it bothers you, then it is probably time for a boundary.

      In the group setting, don’t reward that kind of behavior with attention. You can often make it stop with a brief blank stare at the person who said it (not smiling or glaring, just blank) and then looking to someone else and starting on a positive topic. When people sense they aren’t being rewarded for certain kinds of behavior, they will often cut it out on their own.

      If it continues, you may need to speak to them individually. Elliott Hulse has a great video on how to go about that charismatically, check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvBKC_8TTao

  • Brett M

    Reply Reply August 10, 2016

    Hey Charlie,

    Not sure how common this is because it was not addressed, but most of the conflict that I struggle to deal with is when people are outright attacking me and trying to make me look foolish. It will be in situations where most people are my friends but one person will just throw an attack at me for seemingly no reason.

    Example: people are playing a sport and every time you make a mistake, this person will make a comment and say you suck in some way.

    What’s the best way to deal with this type of “bully” conflict?

    • Brett M

      Reply Reply August 10, 2016

      Also, I want to say this is after setting firm boundaries and telling them not to do what they are doing.

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply August 10, 2016

      Do you laugh it off when they do that? Normally an icy stare, followed by ignoring them until they choose to apologize or be nice again works very well in these situations. Can you describe how you set the boundaries. Specifics would be helpful here because what you’re describing sounds like a fairly uncommon bully

  • harp

    Reply Reply July 14, 2016

    Hi Charlie, great content, I was trying to watch these videos on my smart phone however the videos are to far right of the screen and cannot be viewed. Is anyone else having the same prob?

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply July 15, 2016

      I will get the dev in there – thanks for the heads up!

  • Brittany

    Reply Reply May 2, 2016

    Hey Charlie!

    I’m so glad you made this module! Charisma on Command is such a fantastic idea, because these problems happen to everyone and most people pretend they know how to deal, when they’re actually just ignoring them! You might not find this charismatic, but in many situations one-upping or embarrassing a mean person back will often get them to respect you and leave you alone. Do you have any advice on short-term revenge or how to put people in their place, intimidating them, showing that you are not messing around? Or how to scare away someone that has no concept of social boundaries, like Sister Patterson from the VH1 show Family Therapy? I think most people grin and bear abuse because we’re afraid of getting into trouble with the law or being retaliated against. Is this a misconception you can clear up? Most people say leave revenge up to God, but I think that’s a cop out, because revenge feels really empowering when done well, makes you the de facto leader, and almost guarantees other aggressive people will not try it on you. Thank you!

    • Charlie

      Reply Reply May 3, 2016

      I wouldn’t think of it as revenge or one-upping, but rather as setting firm boundaries. You don’t need to dig into them because that brings you down to their level. Instead, you just want to make sure that they don’t do anything that breaches one of your own boundaries. Beyond that, we don’t need to concern ourselves with how they act.

      So if someone does cross a boundary, you can subtly warn them the first time (if you’ve seen the YT video of Robert Downey this shows it). But if they persist a firm boundary means telling them “Hey, don’t ever do that again.” and/or walking away. People will not push you twice if you have this mentality because you’ll never give them the opportunity.

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